A whole slew of stupid things! – Gandersnitch Rants

gsnitchIt’s been a while, heathens!

I know you were starting to miss me, I mean, except those that heard me on Geek Watch One. They have probably had enough of me for a while.

I thought I was doing better at this whole living in peace with my neighbors thing, ignoring the headlines meant to generate hate and fear, keeping my bitterness to myself so that we could run a good kickstarter campaign…

And then I busted my phone. Boom! Shattered glass and a cut up thumb. This is what I get for keeping it civil! And oh boy, do I have some rants for you today! I have been saving them up.

First off, who in the heck decided it was a good idea to skip Winter this year? It is 70 frigging degrees outside. In Ohio! In December! This is an abomination!

This time last year we had already had two snow storms. Looks like you nuts have gone and screwed up the weather now too. Good job! Leaving a broken mess for your kids to clean up, as always. But worse than that… worse that the unseasonably warm temperatures outside…


No! No no no! This is not that hard to figure out! Nobody wants to sweat while they frantically shop for Xmas gifts! Nobody wants to smell the horrible things stressed out sweaty people smell like. Nobody wants to put up with extra irritated customers as they panic over the fact that they forgot to do any shopping till now and everything is sold out and they are hot and tired and pissy.

When it is 70 degrees outside, turn on the frigging air! Heck, turn it on and open all the windows and doors and try to cool the whole bloody state down too!

Speaking of which, to those people shopping too danged late to do any good, nobody is hiding anything from you in the mysterious “back room.” Believe me, I have seen the back room. It is a dark, scary place full of boxes and shelves. Nobody just goes and “checks in the back.”

There are not magical glowing signs that blink and show them the way to that one extra piece of junk that was miraculously saved just for you and somehow escaped the notice of the automated inventory tracking systems. There are no bloody elf on the shelf’s hiding away in their secret colony, refusing to go out on the sales floor because they are waiting for the right owner to pick them up and take them home.

It doesn’t matter that the screen shot on your phone from eight days ago shows something in stock. You are not the only danged idiot in the world that is out shopping. If it is not on the shelf, it does not exist! You cannot buy it! Go home.

jbbeerUnless it happens to be beer flavored jelly beans. Those actually do exist, and you can buy them. But you would have to hunt for them, because they are hidden away in the corner. The corner of shame!

And I promise you, you do not want them! Let us assume for a moment that you do not gag when you open the bottle. No, never-mind, that is too large of an assumption… These things REEK! One whiff and you will know that these are not something that man was meant to consume.

I, of course, consumed a few anyways. For science!

I don’t know what whacked out food designer came up with this idea, but clearly, they only ever had one beer and it was a really crappy one on spring break twelve years ago.

Maybe, just maybe, these tiny ovals of compressed sugar are in the same neighborhood, flavor wise, as the wort tinged backwash at the bottom of a pint of bud light that has been sitting on the counter for three weeks. And that is being generous.

Seriously, save your two dollars and buy the real thing instead. Unless your goal is to turn off your children from ever imbibing alcohol, in which case, buy these in bulk!

Which, stupidly enough, seems to be the only way you can buy mini bottles of alcohol in this great city I live in now. After the incident of the woman insisting we were hiding turkeys from her in the back room (I don’t even sell bloody turkeys!) and the sweaty angry people, I thought it might be nice to have a drink. Something fiery hot to burn the taste of the nasty jelly beans from my mouth. All I wanted was one of those little airplane mini bottles, with the spicy alcohol inside. Can I buy one?

Absolutely! In a pack of 20 shrink wrapped together…


If I wanted twenty tiny bottles worth of alcohol, I would buy a big frigging bottle in the first place! Maybe I want to get stocking stuffers, but not everyone likes the same thing. Maybe I want to practice my mixology skills on the cheap. Maybe I am having a party and am too cheap to hire a bartender.

What I don’t want, in any version of reality, is twenty tiny bottles of the same flavor of alcohol. Too bad! Welcome to Ohio! You are gonna need the big bottle just to survive around here! It is 70 frigging degrees outside in December and nobody is wearing any pants!

nopantsAt least not if the want a good deal on vacation rentals…

Why is it that any ad that states “Pay Next to Nothing” shows a person with no pants on? Did they pass out and lose their pants after eating too many beer flavored jelly beans? Is the target audience actually so poor that they do not own any pants, and thus need your “next to nothing” product.

Here is an idea, maybe sell them some pants instead! I am pretty sure someone was trying to be clever, and get away with someone wearing next to nothing to sell next to nothing, but it doesn’t work. It just pisses me off! You can keep your next to nothing, I am fine over here with nothing.

But at least I have my pants on…

-Gandersnitch Out!

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