Goblins – Gandersnitch Rants

gsnitchI don’t have anything witty to say today, what with dealing with a windows 10 upgrade gone awry and a pox of wee folks screaming at each other in my house and attempting to steal my breakfast this morning after having their own. So I am grumpy, and I’m not going to be your usual source of cheerful uplifting advice and encouragement. Sorry sucker, pick your own self up off the floor this morning… And maybe stop drinking so much on a Sunday night! Nope, today I am going to talk about goblins.

Specifically, I am going to talk about these self important idiots who think they are the goblin police, telling everyone what a goblin is, what hashtags they use, and how they act. I can only assume they are children, or simply too dumb to engage in true political discourse regarding weighty world shaking matters. But frankly, there are very few folks who can speak with intelligent authority about what a goblin is and these goons don’t number amongst them.

First, let’s get one thing straight – anyone playing “social” police for any matter is an idiot in my eyes, especially a mythological matter. Opinions don’t friggen matter in the grand scheme of thing. As they say (who they is, I don’t know – but they are rather wise in these things…) “Opinions are like boogers! Everyone has them, but nobody wants someone else’s wiped on their seat…” (Ok, it is really me. I said that. I am the wise one here.)

Seriously, I don’t give a rat’s rump what you may personally believe about something, anything, unless you can back it up with actual facts. 1st Grade logic lesson for you here: Facts are things you can prove. Opinions are things you think are true, but cannot prove. You aren’t the ever loving authority on anything just because you read half an article, or watched a TV show, or heard it on the radio, or saw it posted on facebook. All you are, without verifiable facts, is another booger filled sack of meat, wiping your nasal discharge on everybody’s seat. Nobody asked you, and you better friggen stop it before Grubby breaks your danged fingers.

Secondly, there do exist actual authorities on things, and to date I have never seen one of them declare a monopoly on an idea. At worst, they inform idiots that they are being stupid, at best they point to the evidence and say “I think you need to take a closer look at the reality, before you keep spewing your insanity.” Modern authorities on goblins include scholarly folks such Ari Berk, perhaps Stephen Winick (I don’t know how much goblin lore he has dig into), John & Caitlin Mathews, and me…

Why me? Because I am a friggen goblin, you twit. Why them? Because they did actual research on actual folklore and uncovered the actual stories and took their time to piece it all together and make an informed analysis. (I am assuming this last part. For all I know they rushed through the analysis and just watched a youtube video. I don’t really care, because they also got it right.)

Why don’t I list folks like Shakespeare, or Tolkien? For one, they aren’t exactly modern authorities, since they are dead. Two, they were not so worried about actual folklore, they just wanted to tell a good story. (Tolkien by the way totally botched the idea of a hobgoblin.) Why don’t I mention Gygax? Again, see point one… And for point two, he was a cool guy, but his job was to make a game with his friends and needless to say he got plenty of the mythology flat out wrong.

So I will lay it out for quick and dirty for all those so called experts, culture monopolists, and thought police: goblins are not all green, some do have horns and tails, some are nudists, some like clothes, hobgoblin does not mean bigger uglier goblin, they are mischievous, some are violent, they originate in Germanic lore, have been co-opted into other various cultural lore, are terrible tippers, can eat whatever food they happen to be in the mood for, may or may not steal babies depending on the current market exchange rate, have been much maligned in overly long and whiny poetry, and anyone who claims to be the end all be all walking talking holy bible of goblins and their mythology is a sack of self important foolishness.

And don’t get me started on this new age hippy pagan crap of “Goblins can be whatever I believe them to be!” Yeah… No. You already screwed up the world view of faeries. Get your hemp hand cream covered mitts off my culture, go smoke your sage, and get your crystal infused coffee enemas or whatever. Facts are facts, and opinions are just boogers. No matter what plane they happen to be vibrating on.

-Gandersnitch Out!


3 comments for “Goblins – Gandersnitch Rants

  1. Jack O'Mirth
    August 10, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    Er…that’s an awfully insensitive comment: how is Grubby going to break anyone’s fingers when he’s been turned into a pig?

    • August 10, 2015 at 12:41 pm

      Dude! You stick your fingers in a pig’s mouth and see what happens!

  2. Ebenezer Grumpypants
    August 10, 2015 at 9:30 pm

    Gandersnitch, I worship at your gnarley feet. The number of issues I have had trying to explain that I am Goblin kin and why I’m not green or stinky or wear a kilt, etc, etc… It’s almost enough to make me give up eating faeries.

    Being a Bogle is difficult enough, having a thick Scottish accent and trying to explain what a Bogle is? Forget it. Eventually I give up and using the best approximation of English I mumble out “Aim ay Scootash Gooblan”. Keep the faith my friend,

    Ever you humble servant,
    E. Grumpypants

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