Mermaids! – A Gandersnitch Rant

gsnitchHello sheeple!

Today I thought, for my biweekly blog post, I could talk about something important. Like politics, or global warming, or men in dresses… you know, that sort of earth shattering stuff that nobody except rabid shut ins actually seems to give a damn about on the internet.

But NOOOOOOOOOO! Instead, I get tagged with this!

fbmermaidsMermaids! Bloody friggen mermaids! Seriously? Why is it all about mermaids now?

Plenty of people have heard my rant about the biological impossibilities of such a creature, so I shall be brief, as there is another point I want to make.

First, Centaurs, totally legit. I have been to St. Louis (People think this crap started in Mexico, totally not true. It started state side).

Fauns, totally legit. I have been to Texas.

Minotaurs, that was most likely a really unfortunate mistake involving copious amounts of alcohol.

Fish people? No! Not possible. Completely incompatible bits and bobbles. Sure, there is the case to be made of the duck billed platypus. I mean, there you have a mammal that lays eggs and is totally whacked out with all sorts of adaptations. Whatever. God was drunk that day. Moving on!

There is also the counter argument that mermaids must have developed separately from humans, evolving in the water as you did on land. I will concede that point, with a caveat – they would be some really ugly looking creatures. Humans evolved from apes. Point me to a water bound ape! Point me to any water-bound anything that looks even vaguely humanoid in facial structure and ideals of beauty.

Not going to happen! At best, you are going to have fat bloated manatee faced things flopping around with the arse ends of fish. That is not a pretty sight!

"Sea Devil." Gessner, Conrad. Historia Animalium. 2nd ed. (1604). http://biodiversitylibrary.org/page/42166652.

“Sea Devil.” Gessner, Conrad. Historia Animalium. 2nd ed. (1604). http://biodiversitylibrary.org/page/42166652.

But, for whatever reason, humanity has this fascination with mermaids nowadays. Some nuts are even going so far as to buy overpriced single flipper fins and swim around with such absurdities in public pools, hitting everyone in their ungainly attempts to navigate the water without the use of legs. So I will indulge this whim for a moment, and make the totally erroneous assumption that such things exist. Ugh… Here goes.

 

MERMAIDS ARE TERRIBLE HORRIBLE ROTTEN WOMEN!

There. I said it. Why would anyone in their right mind want to pretend to be one of these ladies? I mean, unless you want to take the rabid belligerent man hating sub-sect of feminism to the extreme—mermaids are evil!

1) Mermaids sink ships!

And not just the ships with pirates on them. They sink merchant vessels. They sink pleasure cruises. They sink ships of hardworking fishermen just trying to feed their families! And they do it gleefully! Which takes us to point 2…

Catching a Mermaid - James Clark Hook, 1883

Catching a Mermaid – James Clark Hook, 1883

2) Mermaids are home wreckers!

In almost every tale of man meets mermaid not in a sinking ship, he meets her on the shore and one of two things happen here – she comes home to marry him, or she gives him a magic comb and ensorcells him. In the first case, she lives with him a few years, pining away, being a terrible wife, popping out some cursed kids, and then abandons the whole bunch to flee back to the sea. In the second case, she lets him go back home, raise a human family, have terrible dreams, and eventually go and drown himself so he can be with her again.

3) The little mermaid doesn’t get the prince! She plots to kill him instead!

News flash people—Disney lies! Even in this simpering high fructose fairy tale, the mermaids are out to kill the human male and free their sister from his love spell. Seriously, read the original tale. It is not a happy ending.

4) Shell bra? Thanks again Disney!

Ok ladies, go make a bra out of shells. (Classical mermaids are topless, by the way.) I don’t care. Shells are usually sharp, and pokey. But hey, if it floats your boat, whatever. Just remember that phrase, float your boat! Stop sinking them!

5) Mermaids are not sexy!

Unless you like the whole sexual frustrations side of things. To quote Shel Silverstien:

“So over I jumped and she pulled me down,
Down to her seaweed bed
And a pillow made of tortoise-shell
She placed beneath my head
She fed me shrimp and caviar
Upon a silver dish
From her head to her waist it was just my taste
But the rest of her was a fish”

The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen Illustration by Edmund Dulac

The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen
Illustration by Edmund Dulac

Really, prior to the modern era of hippy new-age delusional gurus of light and happiness and xanex, mermaids were another warning tale. Don’t screw with the sea. Guys, remember your wives and families. Women, keep an eye on your man. Just like fairies have been whitewashed into fabulous virtuous beings (instead of the baby stealing, soul sucking, alien-minded voyeurs they actually are) the image of a mermaid has been stripped of its darker connotations and turned into some sort of ultimate ideal of the peaceful graceful trophy wife with exotic lingerie. The woman who will do anything to get and keep her man.

So, even though Mermaids don’t exist, and when they do, they are horrible rotten evil women—if you really want to cosplay one, I won’t stop you. But for the love of mythology, do it right, assert your dominance and drown some blokes! Anything else is just a laughable watered down delusion…

-Gandersnitch Out

 

11 comments for “Mermaids! – A Gandersnitch Rant

  1. Jim
    July 13, 2015 at 4:12 pm

    Yes, I agree, you do make a point with respect to mermaids, ahem, less than desirable attributes; however, the true bitches of the briny deep (or shallows thereabout), pound for pound, have to be the Sirens. First, they fail to possess the hyperbolic, imagined charm (made popular by Daryl Hanna in Splash!) of their big (or bigger) breasted fishy cousins, sporting the clam shell brasserie or opting, perhaps, as the spirit so moves them, to go au naturale–need we even mention the tangle-free dank. forever sexy strands of the mermaid’s thick dripping locks so suggestively tumbling hither and thither down that supple (at least upper half) human torso. Bird-like–which is never a good way to begin a description of anything female–and cannibalistic (even worse, though almost complimentary if you’d ever have met any of my ex-girlfriends), sirens lack the aforementioned physical charm(s) so necessary to lure men to their deaths and only through song–the siren song, no less–do they gain fatal mortal power over their sad and hapless victims. It’s like…it’s like not getting to stalk (to your death), say, Britney Spears, but rather stalking (to your death) a mere recording of her hit tune “Hit me baby one more time”! Hardly seems fair, don’t you say? I could go on and on about ships crashing on jagged rocks, etc., but I think I have made my point.

    • July 14, 2015 at 11:41 am

      I completely agree that Sirens are worse. But then again, you don’t have a lot of folks clamoring to romanticize them. Except how you sorta just did…
      -Gandersnitch

      • Jim
        July 14, 2015 at 2:02 pm

        Hahaha…

  2. July 14, 2015 at 6:42 am

    Loved the mermaids rant. I really need to see if I have a good surf and turf recipe for one.

  3. July 14, 2015 at 9:53 am

    Nice! I agree, mermaids are nasty, wet, scaly beasts that just look pretty (sometimes) and then draw you to your death (much like car salesmen). Thank you for reminding the world of their dangers.

    On another note, I finished your book (IT WAS AWESOME) and posted a review. Thanks for the gift, it was well meant, well received, well liked, and well…you get the idea. I hope to have the privilege of being as proud of a book of my own one day as I am of yours.

    • July 14, 2015 at 11:45 am

      Thank you very much for the awesome review! I am glad you liked the book 🙂

  4. July 14, 2015 at 1:54 pm

    Gandersnitch is still bitter about his divorce from a mermaid where she got half of his land-bound stuff. I agree, what is she even going to do with it, but he has to learn to let things go and move on.

    • July 14, 2015 at 1:59 pm

      “Let it go! Let it go! Can’t hold me back anymore…”

      • July 14, 2015 at 2:00 pm

        You’ve been around the kids too long, haven’t you?

  5. August 12, 2015 at 6:34 am

    Surely Gandersnitch has other tales, inappropriate or just plain propriate, to be shared?

    • August 12, 2015 at 9:24 am

      There are many other tales in the works. In the meantime, I post a new piece of fiction here every other Monday. Mostly I am working on “The Roanoke Sessions” (a dark serial urban fantasy soap opera), sharing chapters from my in the works young adult novel “The Merchant Morrow”, beginning to writing short stories for the next collection, hacking away at a kid friendly rpg, and procrastinating on doing the second draft of my kids book, “Persnickety Jones and the Pirates of Undertoe”. Oh yeah, I also released a coloring book and a poetry chap book this year!

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