Today I thought, for my biweekly blog post, I could talk about something important. Like politics, or global warming, or men in dresses… you know, that sort of earth shattering stuff that nobody except rabid shut ins actually seems to give a damn about on the internet.
But NOOOOOOOOOO! Instead, I get tagged with this!
Plenty of people have heard my rant about the biological impossibilities of such a creature, so I shall be brief, as there is another point I want to make.
First, Centaurs, totally legit. I have been to St. Louis (People think this crap started in Mexico, totally not true. It started state side).
Fauns, totally legit. I have been to Texas.
Minotaurs, that was most likely a really unfortunate mistake involving copious amounts of alcohol.
Fish people? No! Not possible. Completely incompatible bits and bobbles. Sure, there is the case to be made of the duck billed platypus. I mean, there you have a mammal that lays eggs and is totally whacked out with all sorts of adaptations. Whatever. God was drunk that day. Moving on!
There is also the counter argument that mermaids must have developed separately from humans, evolving in the water as you did on land. I will concede that point, with a caveat – they would be some really ugly looking creatures. Humans evolved from apes. Point me to a water bound ape! Point me to any water-bound anything that looks even vaguely humanoid in facial structure and ideals of beauty.
Not going to happen! At best, you are going to have fat bloated manatee faced things flopping around with the arse ends of fish. That is not a pretty sight!
But, for whatever reason, humanity has this fascination with mermaids nowadays. Some nuts are even going so far as to buy overpriced single flipper fins and swim around with such absurdities in public pools, hitting everyone in their ungainly attempts to navigate the water without the use of legs. So I will indulge this whim for a moment, and make the totally erroneous assumption that such things exist. Ugh… Here goes.
MERMAIDS ARE TERRIBLE HORRIBLE ROTTEN WOMEN!
There. I said it. Why would anyone in their right mind want to pretend to be one of these ladies? I mean, unless you want to take the rabid belligerent man hating sub-sect of feminism to the extreme—mermaids are evil!
1) Mermaids sink ships!
And not just the ships with pirates on them. They sink merchant vessels. They sink pleasure cruises. They sink ships of hardworking fishermen just trying to feed their families! And they do it gleefully! Which takes us to point 2…
2) Mermaids are home wreckers!
In almost every tale of man meets mermaid not in a sinking ship, he meets her on the shore and one of two things happen here – she comes home to marry him, or she gives him a magic comb and ensorcells him. In the first case, she lives with him a few years, pining away, being a terrible wife, popping out some cursed kids, and then abandons the whole bunch to flee back to the sea. In the second case, she lets him go back home, raise a human family, have terrible dreams, and eventually go and drown himself so he can be with her again.
3) The little mermaid doesn’t get the prince! She plots to kill him instead!
News flash people—Disney lies! Even in this simpering high fructose fairy tale, the mermaids are out to kill the human male and free their sister from his love spell. Seriously, read the original tale. It is not a happy ending.
4) Shell bra? Thanks again Disney!
Ok ladies, go make a bra out of shells. (Classical mermaids are topless, by the way.) I don’t care. Shells are usually sharp, and pokey. But hey, if it floats your boat, whatever. Just remember that phrase, float your boat! Stop sinking them!
5) Mermaids are not sexy!
Unless you like the whole sexual frustrations side of things. To quote Shel Silverstien:
“So over I jumped and she pulled me down,
Down to her seaweed bed
And a pillow made of tortoise-shell
She placed beneath my head
She fed me shrimp and caviar
Upon a silver dish
From her head to her waist it was just my taste
But the rest of her was a fish”
Really, prior to the modern era of hippy new-age delusional gurus of light and happiness and xanex, mermaids were another warning tale. Don’t screw with the sea. Guys, remember your wives and families. Women, keep an eye on your man. Just like fairies have been whitewashed into fabulous virtuous beings (instead of the baby stealing, soul sucking, alien-minded voyeurs they actually are) the image of a mermaid has been stripped of its darker connotations and turned into some sort of ultimate ideal of the peaceful graceful trophy wife with exotic lingerie. The woman who will do anything to get and keep her man.
So, even though Mermaids don’t exist, and when they do, they are horrible rotten evil women—if you really want to cosplay one, I won’t stop you. But for the love of mythology, do it right, assert your dominance and drown some blokes! Anything else is just a laughable watered down delusion…